|roland and i are actually play fighting in this photo :)|
if i'm being honest, i feel attacked and misunderstood. i feel like my thoughts of not wanting to be "fake" or putting on a front, are being disregarded or looked down on. and i feel very discouraged. as a christian woman, i struggle with this part of my personality almost daily. i struggle with the thought that, even though i may feel that this characteristic is uniquely a part of me, it might not be okay or right with God to be that way. or let me put it better, me wanting to not be "fake" and wanting to be real all the time sometimes does not bring God glory because of the actions that those qualities insinuate.
something tells me that me feeling discouraged and incorrectly perceived is not right. something tells me that God is using these other people to try to break me down. something tells me that God wants to finally put to an end my flesh.
of course with any comment like this, i have to take it to the Lord. because i can't take what everyone says to me as complete truth. that's where God's word comes in and His discernment and wisdom comes into play. however, since these qualities and traits have been identified in me from several different people, i'm thinking it's probably the truth (for the most part).
it's hard to admit that you need to change. it's hard to see that your own actions and way of doing things has hurt other people. it's hard to let a lot of people and God all point out one of your biggest flaws. it's just plain hard.
but here i am. i want to be able to admit that there is something that needs to change about me. the process is difficult and challenging, but God will be faithful to see me through it. just like He is always faithful to see me through any circumstance or situation.
before my trip to romania, God put this verse on my heart: Luke 9:23: "Then He said to them all, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me'". so am i surprised that God has answered my prayer to grow me? no. did i realize that Him answering my prayer would be this hard and kind of hurt this much? no, not at all.
if anything, i hope that this encourages you. because i'm glad that God brought this to my attention. i know that if i allow Him to change me and to mold me to be more like Him, then it will only be good for me. and really, that's what i wanted all along.
philippians 1:6: "being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;"