Wednesday, December 14, 2011


so, i dream every single night (i mean, i'm sure we all do but i usually remember my dreams). it's weird if i don't dream or if i wake up not thinking about anything. for months, after my boyfriend and i broke up, i dreamt about him every single night. no joke. it was especially bad right after he got a new girlfriend (a few lines from my journal during that time [while i was on the plane ride over to haiti]: "i'll try to get some sleep. my mind just wanders though. and then i dream... i don't want to dream right now. i just want to rest and not think about anything"). whenever i dreamt about him, i always woke up feeling really sad. because i would realize that it was just a dream. and then my day would start with me having to remind myself that God did not want us together and that we weren't supposed to be together. but it always was such a lame way to start the day. already feeling tired and exhausted, even if i had gotten a full nights sleep. it was hard going from dream-land to reality over and over again.

lately though, i haven't been dreaming about him (praise God!!). and i have only been having strange dreams, not dreams about him (haha). however, the other night he was there in my dream again. i found him sitting in a room, waiting for me. when i walked over and stood in front of him i said, "i always find you in my dreams..." to which he responded, "it's where i'm alive" (isn't the "i always find you in my dreams" line so cheesy! or not cheesy, but something you would hear in a movie. am i right?? lol). then he asked me to stay with him in the dream, and i told him that it wasn't real and that i had to go (this is probably totally lame and stupid but whatever. i wanted to share). then i woke up. and i was so bummed. first of all, because it was just a dream. and second of all, because i was thinking about him again. and i didn't want to be thinking about him. i had been doing so so good!

i used to have dreams about my dog sarah after she died. after a while, i realized that the sarah in my dreams wasn't my real sarah. the sarah in my dreams started getting angry and defensive. until one time in a dream i had to scream at her and tell her to leave, because she wasn't real and she wasn't alive. since then, i haven't dreamt about her at all. so, i'm thinking that the next time i meet my ex in a dream, i need to tell him to leave. because he isn't real and he doesn't belong in my dreams. he doesn't belong in my thoughts or in my life at all. God took him away for a reason, and i want to live the life God has chosen for me.

anyways, i'm sure this all sounds silly or whatever, but i wanted to share. i hope i don't meet him in my dreams tonight though, cuz i don't think i'm exactly ready to tell him to go away. maybe after i've gotten rid of all of the old things that he had given me over the years (i'll have to post about that later though, cuz my friend and i are getting rid of stuff from our ex-boyfriends together. that will be interesting!). i feel better though, having written this all out. it makes me feel like my heart is getting sewn up more and more (i'll have to tell you about that image that the Lord showed me in another post!!).

so thank you God for being with me through all of this. and for holding me close every single day, especially during the hard days.

Monday, December 12, 2011

my heart right now

i'm sitting on whitnee's bed with natalie by my side. i love nights like this :) we went to dinner with ryan tonight and he treated all of us! he is too nice! thanks ry! bonus: we talked about romania the whole time and prayed over the trip. alksdjfaiseuralksndvlawueraksdngalsdguaslkjdf yay!

i think i mentioned before how badly i wanted to go to romania... yeah i totes did. did i mention that i am now considering and praying about staying there for... wait for it.... wait for it... 7 WEEKS. eeeeeeee! my heart jumps even when i just think about it! seriously Lord, i want to go so badly!

okay, so now i'm laughing. because whitnee is writing her mom a letter and asking us to find verses for her about seeking counsel from other believers, and verses about our plans versus God's plans. and two verses stood out to me and i think they are verses that i need to remember right now:

proverbs 19:21* "many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails"

proverbs 16:9* "a man's heart plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps"

oh, God. you got me. i need to slow down. will do :)

i just told jessica that i am so glad that right now my biggest concern/worry is over the romania mission trip next summer. life is so good! and i am so blessed! i really need to take time and slow down, and just come before the Lord and lay at His feet. because that is where He will confirm whether or not i am called to romania and whether or not i should go. plus, i need Him so badly! my heart aches and my life loses any source of joy whenever i am not consistently spending time with Jesus.

so God, thank you for this reminder to give my plans to you. and i shouldn't have plans or expectations. i need to give them all over to you and allow you to do your thing! i need to allow you to direct my steps. and i'm excited to let you to do so! please take my life and use it radically for you and for you alone Lord. i am all yours!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

progressive dinner 2011

friday night was the progressive dinner! i'm a youth leader at my church for some of the high school girls. it's awesome! i love hanging out with them and getting the chance to encourage them in their walks! it's great :) so friday night all of the high schoolers got together and dressed super nice. we ate dinner at one house, dessert at another, and then saw a movie (i absolutely did not like the arthur christmas movie! it was sooo bad!). it was such a great night! i'm looking forward to next years!

 love this girl!!
 and this one!!

taylor and i!

ps. ariana, if you read this.... i'm sorry you couldn't go! LOL! but evan was rocking his pink pants and bow tie! haha!

wondering what's next

i really should be sleeping right now. i mean, it is after 12 a.m. and i have church in the morning (and i wanted to go on a run before church? lol). but i feel like writing. i don't know what i feel like saying though. and with blogging you probably should know what you want to say first? oh well.

anyways, i'm really curious to see what is going to happen in the future. and i mean, soon soon. like next month soon. or even a few weeks soon. and i'm excited, but i'm also really anxious and nervous. and i feel really selfish. because, i'm always wondering about what i want to happen, or what i think should happen, or what i think will happen. and God is probably thinking, "oh chanel. just trust me. i know what you want and what you would like to happen. but I have everything under control and know what is best"*

it's just so hard leaving everything in God's hands! and not only that, but taking a step of faith in what you believe it is that God is calling you to do. because, if i'm being honest, i'm really quick to jump into what i want to do, and am quick to forget and not listen to what GOD wants me to do.

okay, so... here is my commitment to spending every single day over christmas break (yay! it's christmas break! FINALLY!) with Jesus and dedicating time to prayer and reading my Bible. i will use this break to bring Him glory and to try to get a glimpse in what He wants me to do over the next year.

so i guess i should maybe check in every day and let you know how it's going? yeah, we'll see how that goes :p but i'll try to write everyday! you can do it me! (is it weird i give myself pep talks? yeah probs. but jess on new girl does it.... hahaha)

aunt janine's birthday

nina and i and a friend's wedding
it was my aunt janine's birthday this past week. i love her so stinking much. you have no idea. she's more like a friend/sister to me than an aunt. i am so thankful for her! it was her 32nd birthday ;) maybe... all she wanted to do for her big day was hang out with my family and two other families. and i am in love with these families. they feel like part of my family, not just family friends. i laugh so hard at everything whenever we all get together. oh gosh, it is just so great! i love it! all of our families became friends before any of us kids were born. they all met at our old church, calvary chapel pacific coast. God blessed my parents with awesome friends! and i am so happy that i have gotten to know them over the years as i've grown up. here are some pictures from the birthday night:

 my dad's camera takes really great blurry/light crazy pictures, huh?
 7th grade dance re-enactment by brenen and melanie

 they are so crazy most of the time!
 aunt janine with all her "nieces and nephews"
 evelyne, judi, nina, and my mom annette
 all the adults!
 really... who told them to make these signs? haha hilarious!

 of course we would break out into a dance party

 all of the girls :)
 me, natalie, morgan, stephanie, and melanie
 dalton always looks like this. i promise.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

trying to study

this is what i am doing right now. trying to study with whitnee and coni. not much is getting done though. especially since this thong man keeps walking by us. it's a guy who literally is in bright blue spandex and a pink thong that keeps walking through panera. i think he enjoyed our company too because he kept choosing to sit right next to us. it was probs cuz coni kept giggling. she is so cute! oh coni! you're so silly! but anyways, thong man was completely inaprope. what's also inaprope is coni tagging trevor as the thong man. but that's mostly just funny. hahaha. anyways, i guess i will go back to studying. i am meeting with tricia and mary tonight! i'm so exci! i love them and miss them!

whitneee studying
me studying?

someone is laughing about the guy

way to go coni!

coni died laughing. true story.

 we're so serious?