Wednesday, December 14, 2011


so, i dream every single night (i mean, i'm sure we all do but i usually remember my dreams). it's weird if i don't dream or if i wake up not thinking about anything. for months, after my boyfriend and i broke up, i dreamt about him every single night. no joke. it was especially bad right after he got a new girlfriend (a few lines from my journal during that time [while i was on the plane ride over to haiti]: "i'll try to get some sleep. my mind just wanders though. and then i dream... i don't want to dream right now. i just want to rest and not think about anything"). whenever i dreamt about him, i always woke up feeling really sad. because i would realize that it was just a dream. and then my day would start with me having to remind myself that God did not want us together and that we weren't supposed to be together. but it always was such a lame way to start the day. already feeling tired and exhausted, even if i had gotten a full nights sleep. it was hard going from dream-land to reality over and over again.

lately though, i haven't been dreaming about him (praise God!!). and i have only been having strange dreams, not dreams about him (haha). however, the other night he was there in my dream again. i found him sitting in a room, waiting for me. when i walked over and stood in front of him i said, "i always find you in my dreams..." to which he responded, "it's where i'm alive" (isn't the "i always find you in my dreams" line so cheesy! or not cheesy, but something you would hear in a movie. am i right?? lol). then he asked me to stay with him in the dream, and i told him that it wasn't real and that i had to go (this is probably totally lame and stupid but whatever. i wanted to share). then i woke up. and i was so bummed. first of all, because it was just a dream. and second of all, because i was thinking about him again. and i didn't want to be thinking about him. i had been doing so so good!

i used to have dreams about my dog sarah after she died. after a while, i realized that the sarah in my dreams wasn't my real sarah. the sarah in my dreams started getting angry and defensive. until one time in a dream i had to scream at her and tell her to leave, because she wasn't real and she wasn't alive. since then, i haven't dreamt about her at all. so, i'm thinking that the next time i meet my ex in a dream, i need to tell him to leave. because he isn't real and he doesn't belong in my dreams. he doesn't belong in my thoughts or in my life at all. God took him away for a reason, and i want to live the life God has chosen for me.

anyways, i'm sure this all sounds silly or whatever, but i wanted to share. i hope i don't meet him in my dreams tonight though, cuz i don't think i'm exactly ready to tell him to go away. maybe after i've gotten rid of all of the old things that he had given me over the years (i'll have to post about that later though, cuz my friend and i are getting rid of stuff from our ex-boyfriends together. that will be interesting!). i feel better though, having written this all out. it makes me feel like my heart is getting sewn up more and more (i'll have to tell you about that image that the Lord showed me in another post!!).

so thank you God for being with me through all of this. and for holding me close every single day, especially during the hard days.

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