Thursday, July 26, 2012


roland and i are actually play fighting in this photo :)
strong-willed. the term isn't necessarily bad. or negative. but, it's always hard when one of the first things someone identifies about you is that you have a very strong will and a very strong personality. i've been finding this term (or others like it) being used to describe me more and more often lately. and i'm not quite sure what to make of it.
if i'm being honest, i feel attacked and misunderstood. i feel like my thoughts of not wanting to be "fake" or putting on a front, are being disregarded or looked down on. and i feel very discouraged. as a christian woman, i struggle with this part of my personality almost daily. i struggle with the thought that, even though i may feel that this characteristic is uniquely a part of me, it might not be okay or right with God to be that way. or let me put it better, me wanting to not be "fake" and wanting to be real all the time sometimes does not bring God glory because of the actions that those qualities insinuate. 
something tells me that me feeling discouraged and incorrectly perceived is not right. something tells me that God is using these other people to try to break me down. something tells me that God wants to finally put to an end my flesh. 
of course with any comment like this, i have to take it to the Lord. because i can't take what everyone says to me as complete truth. that's where God's word comes in and His discernment and wisdom comes into play. however, since these qualities and traits have been identified in me from several different people, i'm thinking it's probably the truth (for the most part).
it's hard to admit that you need to change. it's hard to see that your own actions and way of doing things has hurt other people. it's hard to let a lot of people and God all point out one of your biggest flaws. it's just plain hard.
but here i am. i want to be able to admit that there is something that needs to change about me. the process is difficult and challenging, but God will be faithful to see me through it. just like He is always faithful to see me through any circumstance or situation. 
before my trip to romania, God put this verse on my heart: Luke 9:23: "Then He said to them all, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me'". so am i surprised that God has answered my prayer to grow me? no. did i realize that Him answering my prayer would be this hard and kind of hurt this much? no, not at all.
if anything, i hope that this encourages you. because i'm glad that God brought this to my attention. i know that if i allow Him to change me and to mold me to be more like Him, then it will only be good for me. and really, that's what i wanted all along.

philippians 1:6: "being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;"


  1. Thank you for sharing whats going on in ur heart and mind. I know its hard to be honest with yourself and even God sometimes. Reading this encouraged me as well as the verses you used too:). I am going through Hebrews right now and this morning I read through 12:1-29 and I want to encourage you to read it too. "For the Lord disciplines the one he loves". You are beautiful and "precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you". -Isaiah 43:4

    1. Thank you for the encouragement coni! I love you!

  2. I can empathize with you Chanel!!!! Being strong willed is a trait of Christ and the prophets. They were hard as flint (Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel) yet it was for holiness, righteousness, truth and love for God and others. I am very strong willed Chanel and it can come across hard or rude when used wrongly (it's not easy to hear that I know! especially if that's not your intention but we must learn how to train ourselves for holiness and not give an offense to others) So...I like to dwell on the truth that Christ disciplines and rebukes those He loves (Rev 3:19) and I can boast in all my many weaknesses so that the power of Christ rests on me for when I am weak then I am strong (2 Cor 12:9-10 and if I can, YOU CAN! It takes humility and courage to acknowledge a weakness and yet hope in God to change you. This is when open raw honesty is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing

    1. Thank you for the encouragement Chelsea. It was exactly what I needed to hear :)


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