gotta keep going

i'm having a really hard time studying for the CPA exam. i think i cry almost every time i study for it. it's just really hard for me and very time consuming. there are so many other things that i would rather be doing and sometimes i feel so defeated when i keep getting practice questions wrong over and over again. it's hard to keep going. accounting has never come easily to me. i love the numbers part of it and i'm pretty good at memorizing, but sometimes my brain has a hard time wrapping around what the numbers actually mean. for a lot my friends in accounting, it comes really naturally for them. and i can't help but compare myself to them. there's also so much pressure to pass all four parts of the exam and get my CPA as soon as possible. a lot of times it just feels like too much. i know i'm the one who chose to go into this profession. i know that i do like it (sometimes). but i also chose accounting because i had already spent so many years in school that i just needed to choose a major and stick with it. i'm so jealous of anyone out there that knows exactly what they want to do and what they are good at. anyways, i keep trying to remind myself that this is exactly where God wants me to be and that maybe He wants me at MHM to talk to someone about Him or to just show someone at my work who Christ is. which, i am a horrible example of who God is but still, i'm hoping He can use me. and honestly, that's one of the very few things that's really getting me through studying. i'm trying to do it all for His glory. and i'm trying to remember that this will all be worth it. it's not about the money or the title or the status. it's about honoring God and letting Him have His way with me.

Trust.

"This is how idolatry grows in our hearts. We want things and we aren’t sure God will give them to us, so we put our trust in other gods. This is the problem of the human heart —misplaced trust. We value, love, and trust something in creation more than the Creator, and since there is nothing in creation that is intended to bear the weight of our trust, we are bound to live in fear. All other loves must be subordinate to your love for Christ."
-Edward T. Welch

This quote was on the wonderfully made blog this morning, and it really struck a chord with me. I struggle with this a lot. Not knowing what God will do in a situation i'll try to put things in my own hands. Which, as you probably guessed, doesn't turn out the best. It comes out messy and complicated. And not necessarily how God wanted it to be. This quote is absolutely true about living in fear. When we put our trust in ourselves or in anything other than God we will live in fear of the "what ifs" or the "will it happen?". It's just so hard to fight against my flesh and my will. But He's good to me, and is always there at the end of the day or when I finally allow Him to have control. And even when I continue to struggle with this balancing act for months or years on end, He is still so patient and so kind. Never making me feel stupid or like a failure. He knows the desires of my heart and He can work out all things. But I just have to remember to let Him be God and for me to be me. His imperfect daughter who tries to put her trust and her wants in other people and things.